Transitions... do your children struggle?
Do you?
Last week I sent an email out to my mailing list talking about transitions, trauma and table manners and at the same time I was contacted about various clients talking about the same issues so clearly these are things that lots of people are struggling with at the moment so over the next week or so I am going to post a little more regularly here on Substack covering some of the information that I shared and looking at it in a little more depth.
Lots of babies and children struggle with transitions no matter what their age, and it covers so many different parts of their life:
It could be a baby struggling with nap transitions, or starting childcare, or weaning from the breast.
It could be a toddler transitioning to wearing no nappies, or sleeping in a bed rather than a cot.
It could be older children changing schools, or separations, or hitting puberty.
OR it could be big life events, moving house, a new sibling etc.
Recently one transition that has come to the forefront for many people is the transition around school holidays - in my experience boundaries can often be pushed at both ends, when starting the holidays and when going back to school. And of course, this year the clock changes also falls either at the start or the end of the holidays for many which can also add an additional challenge into the mix!
When starting the holidays children can be tired but they often also miss a little bit of the routine around term time. Children often like to know what is coming and when.
Consider having a little bit or a routine, or certain holiday time rituals in your day. Using a visual of what is happening and when can also be helpful (and gives you something to refer to if your child is old enough to say ‘what are we doing today’ on repeat!
With this in mind you could consider having a calendar on the wall showing what is due to happen when allowing your child to pick certain activities to put on the calendar so they feel they have a little control can also be helpful (you may not want to give them carte blanche but for example you could offer them a choice of 2 or 3 things).
I often suggest using the calendar idea to help with the transition of going back to school at the end of the holidays. If you make a calendar for the school holidays (homemade is great – literally an A4 sheet with boxes drawn on and decorated by your child if you have the time) than add on an extra weeks’ worth of boxes for the week they go back to school. You can then add things into this week so that the focus isn’t only on the day that they go back to school – you are looking further past this and I find that this can take the pressure off going back to school being such a big thing.
This strategy can also help if you are going away on holiday and your child struggles with settling into the regular ‘home’ routine.
Whatever the situation and whatever the age of the child there are three things I think that parents can focus on initially in order to help their child.
Consistency – being consistent helps a child to feel secure, so have a think about how consistency might look in relation to the transition that they are struggling with (and try and assess whether your expectation is appropriate). For example a child that is struggling with the transition of starting childcare can find it more difficult if there is no consistency with who collects and picks up, if sometimes you have time for a play and a story before leaving home and other times you are in a real rush as running late. If this is the case then try focussing on having the same routine around drop offs and pick ups, if possible, for a couple of weeks and try and get up early so that you have time for the play and then story before leaving, if this feels aligned with what will help your child feel secure, giving them that moment of connection before leaving home. Then once your child is settled in then you may find that you can go back to being more flexible.
Compassion and understanding. Acknowledging with you child that things are hard, that they are upset or frustrated is important. However, allowing them to have their uncomfortable emotions and supporting them with these, does not mean that an associated behaviour is acceptable and a boundary may need to be set. As parents often we try to avoid our children having any uncomfortable emotions and it makes us worry when they do, however it is often during our most challenging periods that we have the most profound personal growth and in supporting your children through difficult times you are teaching them how to manage this part of life’s wonderful tapestry.
Looking at your own part in the situation – are you especially tired or overwhelmed at the moment and is this making your child’s unsettledness particularly triggering for you? Acknowledging and working through this can be an important step. Of course, there will be times you feel that there is not much you can do about, it in the moment, however if you get especially cross about something that really should have not triggered such a strong reaction, you can take the time to repair with your child. Repair is so important but also a really difficult part of being a human.
We often look for what or whom to blame, and so when our child is being tricky and we shout then often, even if we apologise for shouting, we follow it with something like ‘BUT.. if you hadn’t have done… xyz it wouldn’t have made me shout…’ and this is putting the responsibility of our own emotions over onto our children, yet it is important for use to remember that we are responsible for OUR emotions, but we are also not perfect and at times they will become overwhelming!
Does this resonate? Let me know, and I hope some of these tips help if you and your child are struggling with transitions.